Jason

a reason to smile

i finally found a reason to smile again...

nevermind all the locks and deadbolts, she came in like Harry Houdini...
all the walls and boulders i placed went crashing down before her...
she melted the ice building up inside...

ah basta! getz nyo na naman siguro noh? nacocornyhan na ko sa pinagtatype ko eh! hahahaha!

sarap lang talaga ng feeling na marealize mo na hindi ka na manhid after such a long time na nagpaka-bato ka.

before, it was such a chore and sometimes even a burden to stay happy. Now, simple yet meaningful things like her smile, a text from her,  a held hand, walking with our pinkies locked together, one-on-one pusoy dos, her cute attempts to make me smile when i get serious or pissed, even her constant teasing, her chronic disease of mixing up people's names, and even her pout (bugnutin eh!) MAKES ME HAPPY...

i feel alive. i have a reason to wake up each day with a smile and i can end my day, lying in bed, thinking happy thoughts, hoping she'll crash into me in my dreams.

of course there was some hesitation at first. its kinda scary leaving yourself vunerable. but what is life without risks, right?

i dont know where this will go, or will it last, but whatever the outcome may be, im just glad she stepped into my life and made me smile.

im just glad shes around. and all i hope for now is that somehow, i could make her smile like the way she makes me do...

intellectual stimulation

I'm badly longing for deep and meaningful conversations...
Those kinds that leave you up all night talking about whatever...
While not realizing how time flies since you're deep into it...

Relationships, love, passion, heartaches and heartbreaks...
Fears, pains, regrets, sorrow, bitterness and numbness...
Joys, dreams, aspirations, plans, wishes, accomplishments....
Anxieties, hesitations, phobias, traumatic experiences...
Politics, religion, morality, philosophies, beliefs and creeds...
Basketball, Baseball, Volleyball, Football, and any other ball games
Mountaineering, extreme sports, and other activities which need steel balls...
Movies, music, television, shows, plays, books and poetry...
The list goes on and on endlessly...
Basically, aything about life itself and the world we live in...

I want to talk about these things...
We can look at it at the PHd level...
Or like the views of any layman...
or even like the simple yet meaningful perspective of a child...

Stimulate my mind, give my brain a hard-on
Penetrate the depths of my thoughts
Tease my wit and logic
Nibble at ideas
Let the intellectual juices flow
Give me an intellectual orgasmic experience

Just you and me, or even make it an orgy of several minds...

DIRECTOR'S CUT

I do believe its been long due for me to LET GO... 
I've been fooling myself for the longest time, thinking that we could remain as friends...
Its been a while since I let go of all the pains of the past, but I've held on to all the 
good memories...
Now I know I cant completely move on, unless I say goodbye to everything in the past... 
And look forward to a future without you in it...

After everything that had happened, you said you still needed me around, even just as 
a friend.
I tried to be there for you, helped you up whenever you fell, listened when the rest of the 
world shut you out...
I let go of the romantic love, but I loved you nonetheless. I stayed as a friend and I 
cared for you deeply.
Like in the past, I was never perfect, but I tried to be the best for you and always wanted 
your happiness.
But like before, it was never enough... I was never enough.

I'm sorry, I said I'll never get tired of you... I was wrong. I guess the "relentless" jason 
finally burned out...
You told me I'm the only solid ground that you have, but still you took me for granted. 
Just like before.
Was it because I made you feel that I'll be there no matter what?

I hate the fact that you can still tear down the walls I've built around me.
How is it that you were able to let tears fall down from these eyes I've thought to have 
already dried out?
I cant have that in my life. I've had enough.

There's so much more words that I want to say, feelings and emotions that wanna 
burst out of me...
But what the hell... enough of this... I'm getting overly dramatic again...

Goodbye. Have a great life.

DIRECTOR'S CUT

pagmulat ng mata
agad kong naalala
kagabi sinabi mong ayaw mo na
may mali ka bang nakita?
may mali bang nagawa?
bigla na lang naisip mong ayaw mo na...

lahat ng gusto mo
tamang sunod ako
nagtataka bakit biglang ayaw mo na
nabigla ko ng lubusan
nang ako iyong aking iwanan
basta na lang naisip mong ayaw mo na...

lumingon sandali lang
bago mo tuluyang iwan
nais kong

sumigaw, palabas
at sasabihin sayo ang lahat
tumakbo, palayo
at iiwanan na ang alaala mo

nanginginig, nalulungkot, nahihibang, at tulala
pagod na yata ang ngiti
nauubos din ang tuwa
nag-iisa, umiiyak, nahihirapang huminga
pagod na yata ang ngiti
nauubos din ang tuwa
nanginginig nalulungkot

lumingon sandali lang
bago mo tuluyang iwan
nais kong

sumigaw, palabas
at sasabihin sayo ang lahat
tumakbo, palayo
at iiwanan na ang alaala mo

at kung hindi na babalik
sana sa pag-gising ay wala na ang nadaramang sakit
at kung hindi na babalik
pilit sasabihin na hindi ako nagkamali

sumigaw, palabas
at sasabihin sayo ang lahat
tumakbo, palayo
at iiwanan na ang alaala mo

sumigaw, palabas
at iiwanan na ang alaala mo
tumakbo, palayo
at iiwanan na ang alaala mo

I want my LB life...

Just like the song of Kartoon Kemistry... it all rings true...

I left UPLB in 2004 and its been two years but my heart still belongs there. The person who I am now was molded in that place... So many bittersweet lessons that shaped me, and memories that will always stay... For four years, it was home, and it still is...

I long to be there... but I get rare chances and little time to spend there... it feels all so surreal when im there, I wish I could stay. And when its time to leave, i feel as if im ripping off a part of myself whenever I go...

Its cliche' but "home is where the heart is" and UPLB is where I left my heart...

I'm missin'... (maybe ur one of them!)

Im missin' so many friends right now... I swear to you guys, if only I had the time and moolah, I'd go visit you guys...

Pei-Pei... my conscience, my Devil's Advocate, the most brutally honest person in the world to me (and thats why I love you so much!)... can't wait to be with you again. The two weeks you spent back here were the best days of my summer. How I wish you live in the West coast instead of the East! Or better yet, how I wish you're back here in the Philippines...

My Baby Mai... You never fail to make me smile... When im with you, I'm just simply happy... and theres nothing better in the world than that feeling... You've been away for quite a while and now ur back in the Philippines, how I wish we could go out more often... waaaah! why'd you have to move so far?! and mahal ng toll at gas...

My Bes... The person who can write my life's story... She knows me deep down (with all the nitty-gritty details!) and loves me nontheless... Thanks for being with me during my last birthday! When are we goin out again? Treat mo na next time ha?! hehehehehe...

My high school 'kada! Everyones been so busy at work (except me and emman! taena tsong! patagalan ba to sa college?!) that we rarely see each other nowadays... Its been a year I guess since we've last met. Life was so much simpler back then in high school...

People from UPLB... so many friendships built back there...
Brods and sisses from my orgs... I miss the meetings. activities, bonding moments, feb fair, etc...

housemates sa Ilags! we had a really messy place but it was home!

twy, you made my college life "interesting" hehehehe... no need to elaborate... and I miss talking to you... one of the smartest and wittiest people that I know... You give my brain a hard on! hehehehe...

noemz and jen, you two give me a reason to go back to lb... i really appreciate the hospitality and sweetness...

angela... spunky girl with an attitude... mean but lovable (hehehehe... ur words!) get me drunk again on a beach and lets just chill under the stars like back in puerto... oh, and do teach me how to dance... pweeese... ehehehehe... (just get me intoxicated first!)

kai!!! haaay... toxic ka kasi masyado sa work ngayon eh! kidnap me anytime!!! hehehehe...

ate elaine!!! you overwhelmed me with your love and concern... i miss the days back in villa isabel... di na natuloy balak natin sa Laiya.. :-(

joycen... a friendship that bloomed late but great nonetheless... i miss talking to you for hours and hours on the phone... i really regret not spending time with you when you were still here...

B.O.B.O specially Reg and Danz (Star City ulit!hehehehe)... I hope I could get a subject with you guys next sem... i miss your company....

SUBANOMO... i miss your noise...

waaaaah... dami pa but im getting sleepy... sowee... (wag ka tampururut if nabasa mo to tapos wala ka ha?)

Zzzzzz....

To let go and fall…

People change, and as cliche' goes... "the only thing permanent in the world is change." But people fear change. It’s natural to be wary of things uncommon and unusual. We are comforted by what is constant, since it gives us a sense of security.

I've been bugged by the realization that I've been shunning away from anything that gets me too emotional. I know I’ve been raving about this for quite some time now. (see my previous posts)  Well, that’s me… Cold? Bitter? Cynical? Burned?  Choose your pick… And that has left me on the defensive.

And therein comes the dilemma… I long for love, passion, relationship and commitment, yet I can’t seem to break away from this defensive state that I’m in. It may be seem convenient at first, but being all walled up gets to be quite a pain after a while. We realize how uncomfortable things are for us, but like I said earlier, we fear change, so we just live with the uncomfortable rather that breaking free and trying out something different.

People tell me “I’m just not ready yet” or “You just haven’t met the right one” or other variations but it all spells out W-A-I-T. Well, I’m in no hurry… but it would be great if “I’m ready” or “Ms. Right” comes along soon…

Or maybe, I just wish I’d finally have the balls to take that leap into the unknown. To let go and fall…

Is this all that there is to life?

Cos' it's a bittersweet symphony this life...
Trying to make ends meet , you're a slave to the money then you die.
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down...
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet , yeah.
No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change,
but I'm here in my mold , I am here in my mold.
But I'm a million different people from one day to the next...
I can't change my mold, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

Well I never pray,
But tonight I'm on my knees, yeah.
I need to hear some sounds that recognise the pain in me, yeah.
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind , I feel free now.
But the airwaves are clean and there's nobody singing to me now.

No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change,
but I'm here in my mold , I am here in my mold.
And I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mold, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

Well have you ever been down?
I can't change, I can't change...

Cos' it's a bittersweet symphony this life.
Trying to make ends meet, trying to find some money then you die.
You know I can't change, I can't change, I can't change,
but I'm here in my mold, I am here in my mold.
And I'm a million different people from one day to the next.
I can't change my mold, no,no,no,no,no,no,no

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
It justs sex and violence melody and silence
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down

Is it just that im bored? I feel as if my life's in a standstill... crazy, coz ive been keeping myself busy as hell these past weeks. hmmm... maybe thats it... the reality that i have to make such an effort to feel alive... forcing myself to be OK... life shouldnt be like that...

I wish mei was still here... my bestfriend was here for two weeks early last month and in those two weeks, i was sincerely happy... i was tired as hell, but it was the best two weeks of my life... people put on different masks when we face people in our day to day lives, and its such a breather having someone you can talk to without having any masks on... we all need that someone to be with where we can truly be ourselves... (hmmm... this isnt really in line with the thoughts i planned to write in this blog... but what the hell... it entered my mind so now its here... ikaw, nakikibasa ka lang ha? wag kang magrereklamo! ehehehehe... peace!)

I guess i need something more meaningful in my life now... whatever or whoever that is...

words of a godless man

I asked myself what I believed. I had never prayed a lot. I hoped hard, I wished hard, but I didn't pray. I had developed a certain distrust of organized religion growing up, but I felt I had the capacity to be a spiritual person, and to hold some fervent beliefs. Quite simply, I believed I had a responsiblity to be a good person, and that meant fair, honest, hardworking, and honorable. If I did that, if I was good to my family, true to my friends, if I gave back to my community or to some cause, if I wasn't a liar, a cheat, or a thief, then I believed that should be enough. At the end of the day, if there was indeed some Body or presence standing there to judge me, I hoped I would be judged on whether I had lived a true life, not on whther I believed in a certain book, or whether I'd been baptized. If there was indeed a God at the end of my days, I hoped he didn't say, "But you were never a Christian, so you're going the other way from heaven." If so, I was going to reply, "You know what? You're right. Fine."

-Lance Armstrong

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it?

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

-Niel Gaiman

my passion

I've found my passion... I've found that thing that I want to do for the rest of my life... CLIMBING MOUNTAINS!!!

Going up ain't easy... It takes patience and endurance. You gotta bear the heat and exhaustion. Your body aches, your legs want to give, you sweat profusely, you can barely catch your breath, and your heart pumps like mad... ahhh... its a pain, but that reminds me I'm alive! Life down here can get pretty dreary and I need that rush I get out of climbing to keep me sane.

When you get to the peak, all exhaustion goes away. You look down in awe of the beauty of the sights you can never see when you're down at sea level... And you tell yourself, "I climbed this?! whoa!!!" HEAVEN... thats what the mountains are for me. There I am at peace.

And of course, its also about the people you're with. I'm really lucky to have found and joined a great group of climbers. The DLSU-D Mountaineering Society... and of course, special mention goes to my batchmates... BATCH 9 a.k.a. BATCH TAPULAO!!! We endured and we prevailed! Got nothing but love for all of you guys!

I hope that when I graduate, I find a career that would allow me to continue this passion that I've found. I cant imagine giving it up for anything... I also hope I can find someone special that I can share this love for the mountains with... I can't imagine being with someone who doesnt climb... like I said, up there is heaven for me, how can I enjoy heaven if that person dearest to my heart isnt there...